TRIGGER WARNINGS IN THIS POST. If you suffer from PTSD due to trauma please do NOT read any further.
2019 was supposed to be my year of new beginnings. I had some of the biggest plans you could possibly imagine. I was going to make some big changes in my life and I had planned on starting something new. Little did I know that while I was busy making plans for myself, Spirit had other intentions all together. Have you ever started out a year with high hopes only to be let down by slowly witnessing your visions and dreams being flushed down the drain right before your eyes?
Here are some of the dreams and visions I had for myself back in 2019. I was the CEO of my very own direct sales business. I LOVED what I did and in many ways my getting into that business was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. I was GREAT at it too, I was successful and I dreamed of being one of the top 1% in that company.
However, I also had a full-time job and my passion with this new business was so strong I planned on making it my full-time job. It was my plan and I had set a course and goals for myself then almost as quick as it started my passion began to die until it completely came crashing down in March 2019. This was the last event I attended after successfully achieving a BIG goal of mine. I remember this event like it was yesterday. I felt so DISCONNECTED from everything I held true to my heart.
I honestly felt as if I was sleep walking through this whole entire trip. It was meant to be fun and exciting but I DREADED every minute of it. The excitement and thrill of being well on my way to success was long gone. Then as if feeling so disconnected wasn’t enough I came home only to wake up from a nightmare that soon became my reality. My wife and I were in the process of being intimate, it is what you normally do with your spouse right? We were kissing then next thing I know I’m being transported back in time to when I was a little girl. I was probably around the ages of 5-7; I just knew I always wore my hair in pigtails.
I’m laying in bed in my room and I can’t help but feel anxious and nervous all at the same time. I notice it is late at night and I keep looking around almost as if I am anticipating someone or something to come through the door. I immediately flash my eyes over to the closed door of the bedroom and I see the door knob turn. I immediately freeze up and pull the covers up to my nose as I shake. It is so dark in the room I can’t see clearly but I know someone has just walked in. “Are you ready?” I hear the mysterious voice say. I feel the bed move and sink as the weight of the person gets on the bed. The blankets slowly begin to be pulled off of me and I begin to tremble. The voice moves down towards my feet and I feel the cold hands move up my legs. I hear the anticipation in his voice as he says, “You’re going to be a good girl aren’t you?” In that moment I knew what was about to happen and as a young girl I felt the beginnings of abuse occur. My little head popped up and looked down as my small panties began to come off and I quietly whispered, “Let me see your face?”
As quickly as the vision came, I was transported back to the present moment with my wife looking at me concerned. When I saw the confusion in her blue-green eyes I knew I had spoken my question out loud. Nothing could have prepared me for the amount of pain and tears I experienced in that moment. She sat and held me in her arms for what felt like hours and all I could do was cry. What happened next is something I can’t even begin to explain. I’ve experienced pain before, I’ve been through lot’s of hard suffering but this was so much worse. A part of me died that day. How could I explain this? Was I just imagining something, or was this simply a recall of a memory from my past?
Here is what you need to understand. From the ages of 5-10 I have NO memories. It is as if those memories were either wiped clean from my memory bank or they were clouded over. In that moment of realization of what I had just witnessed at 41 years of age was heart breaking. Despite having always had angels with me, in witnessing that moment I felt so alone and when I tried to call upon my guides and angels to make sense of it all I GOT complete and utter silence. To be so spiritual and trusting in the DIVINE and feel so disconnected from everything that you have ever known was deafening. For the first time in my LIFE I hit rock bottom.
My world was completely turned upside down. I let go of everything, my business, my family and friends, I simply wanted to DIE. I was in so much pain that it was so hard for me to even get out of bed. Now, I’m sure you’re probably asking yourself how is this different from depression. Yes, I was depressed but I had NEVER been this down before. This was a whole other level than I had ever known. I was seeking guidance and help for the first time in my life and as much as I reached out NO ONE responded. I was ready to give up and toss in the cards I’d been dealt and believe me when I say I had moments of anger and rage at God.
I remember being so angry that I screamed in agony as the tears flowed down my cheeks constantly asking, “WHY TELL ME NOW.” That one moment, that one vision of a traumatic event in my life that had been shielded from me was more than enough for me to crumble to the ground and give up. I am extremely grateful for my amazing, resilient wife who was gentle with me and got me to every therapy appointment. With every session, I worked through the years of TRAUMA I had experienced throughout my life including the sexual abuse. During my therapy, I slowly began to hear spirit again. The angels were beginning to talk to me about being gentle with myself. Recovery from that whole ordeal took me a total of 4-5 months.
Don’t misunderstand me, it took lots of work on my part to get me to where I am today but now that I am passed the year mark I now understand the whole process. I see the BIGGER picture and I understand so many things. I understand now why I told my therapist that it wasn’t important for me to know the details of the abuse. I do not need details to see the bigger picture.
In fact in the beginning when this all began I was so adamant on trying to figure out who my abuser was but every time I tried I kept getting blocked. The memories were deeply rooted or that is what I thought. According to my angels I’m told that knowing who the person was would come at the right time when I was spiritually ready to handle it. That answer never made sense to me until NOW.
You see, I now know who my abuser was and while it came as a complete shock to me at first, it wasn’t that much of a surprise either almost as if a part of me had always known. I discovered the answer to this when I wasn’t looking for it. I stumbled upon an old journal entry from May of 2019 that pretty much spelled it out for me but I was too blind to see it, or maybe I simply wasn’t ready to acknowledge the truth back then.
When asking Metatron earlier today about all of this I heard this, “A true Dark Night of the Soul experience breaks down your entire existence. It makes you question everything you know, or what you think you know to be true to you. You lose a part of who you are and in order to make yourself whole a part of you must die. In order to become one with Spirit you must shed the parts of you that keep you bound to the physical. In essence you experience the death of the EGO. You leave the physical and awaken to the truth of your existence and Spirit.”
This is my experience with the Dark Night of the Soul and I want to point out that not everyone will experience it in the same way. It begins with a loss of some sort that makes you question everything in your life. As you go through the grief of this loss you slowly begin to build yourself back up from scratch. As the rebuilding occurs you purge all things that no longer serve you. You then begin to wake up to newer truths and brighter understandings. You build new friendships and the best part is you begin to see your life and life experiences as LESSONS. You want to help people become more empowered to be who they are, and you see everything through the eyes of LOVE.
It is through the eyes of DEATH that you can truly understand the meaning of going through a REBIRTH.